Posted: Wed Mar 26, 2008 10:40 am Post subject: TRAIN TICKET
Three women and three men are travelling by train to the football match.
At the station, the three men each buy a ticket and watch as the three women buy just one ticket.
'How are the three of you going to travel on only one ticket?' asks one of the men.
'Watch and learn,' answers one of the women.
They all board the train. The three men take their respective seats but all three women cram into a toilet together and close the door.
Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.
He knocks on the toilet door and says, 'Ticket, please. The door opens just a crack, and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand.
The conductor takes it and moves on.
The men see this happen and agree it was quite a clever idea; so, after the game, they decide to do the same thing on the return trip and save some money.
When they get to the station they buy a single ticket for the return trip but see, to their astonishment, that the three women don't buy any ticket at all!!
'How are you going to travel without a ticket?' says one perplexed man.
'Watch and learn,' answer the women.
When they board the train, the three men cram themselves into a toilet, and the three women cram into another toilet just down the way.
Shortly after the train is on its way, one of the women leaves her toilet and walks over to the toilet in which the men are hiding.
The woman knocks on their door and says, 'Ticket, please.'
I'm still trying to figure out why men ever think they are smarter than women. _________________ forget all the photography rules! experiment
Posted: Thu Mar 27, 2008 11:15 am Post subject: BEST EVER BLONDE JOKE?
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . . .. .
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box." _________________ forget all the photography rules! experiment
Posted: Fri Mar 28, 2008 6:00 am Post subject: Re: BEST EVER BLONDE JOKE?
flapjack wrote:
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . . .. .
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
That might be the funnist thing i heard ALL week!!!!!
ha ha ha thank you for the smiles _________________ Bring on the snow, for I feel the need to ride.....
Posted: Sat Mar 29, 2008 2:03 pm Post subject: Re: BEST EVER BLONDE JOKE?
Gilly wrote:
flapjack wrote:
A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started."
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then ..." he said with a deep sigh, . .. . . . .. .
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."
That might be the funnist thing i heard ALL week!!!!!
ha ha ha thank you for the smiles
glad you liked this _________________ forget all the photography rules! experiment
Posted: Wed Apr 02, 2008 9:23 am Post subject: Dear Dad
A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Dad.' With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with trembling hands.
Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercing's, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't, really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it! Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself.
Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table.
Call when it is safe for me to come home _________________ forget all the photography rules! experiment
1. If you are choking on an ice cube simply pour a cup of
boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will
instantly remove itself.
2. Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting
someone else to hold while you chop.
3. Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat
by using the shower.
4. For high blood pressure sufferers: simply cut
yourself and bleed for a few minutes, thus reducing the
pressure in your veins. Remember to use a timer.
5. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will
prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep after
you hit the snooze button.
6. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives,
then you will be afraid to cough..
7. You only need two tools in life - WD-40 and Duct Tape. If
it doesn't move and should,
use the WD-40. If it shouldn't move and does, use the duct
tape.
8. Remember: Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.
Daily Thought: SOME PEOPLE ARE LIKE SLINKYS. NOT REALLY GOOD FOR ANYTHING BUT THEY BRING A SMILE TO YOUR FACE WHEN PUSHED DOWN THE STAIRS _________________ -----------------------------------------------------
Posted: Mon Apr 21, 2008 6:06 pm Post subject: Gordon the Rooster
Trevor the farmer was in the fertilised egg business. He had several hundred young laying hens (pullets) and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilise the eggs.
The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so Trevor could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer's favourite rooster was old Gordon, and a very fine specimen he was too. But on this particular morning Trevor noticed old Gordon's bell hadn't rung at all! Trevor went to the hen house to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover. But to farmer Trevor's amazement, Gordon had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
Trevor was so proud of Gordon, he entered him in the West Berks County Fair and Gordon became an overnight sensation among the judges. The result was that the judges not only awarded Gordon the No Bell Piece Prize but they also awarded him the Pulletsurprise as well.
Clearly Gordon was a politician in the making: Who else but a politician could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention.
Do you know a Pullitician called Gordon? _________________ -----------------------------------------------------
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask
over his mouth and nose.
A pretty, young, student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge
bath.
"Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask.. "Are my testicles black?"
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here
to wash your upper body and feet."
He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check. Are my testicles
black?"
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from
worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls
back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and
his testicles in the other.
Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them,
Sir!"
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly:
"Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but, listen very, very
closely......
"A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ??" _________________ happy 50th birthday - motown records
I came across this tonight and as my golfing and sexual prowess have always been utter mysteries to me, other than rather enjoying both, it completely cracked me up.
"Golf and sex are about the only things you can enjoy without being good at." -- Jimmy Demaret _________________
1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. "If you're going
to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."
2. My mother taught me RELIGION. "You better pray that will come out of
the carpet."
3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. "If you don't straighten up,
I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
4. My mother taught me LOGIC. "Because I said so, that's why."
5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. "If you fall out of that swing and
break your neck, you're not going to the shops with me."
6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT. "Make sure you wear clean underwear,
in case you're in an accident."
7. My mother taught me IRONY. "Keep crying, and I'll give you something
to cry about."
8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. "Shut your mouth
and eat your supper."
9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. "Will you look at that dirt
on the back of your neck!"
10. My mother taught me about STAMINA. "You'll sit there until all that
spinach is gone."
11. My mother taught me about WEATHER. "This room of yours looks as if a
tornado went through it."
12. My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. "If I told you once, I've told
you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"
13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. "I brought you into this
world, and I can take you out."
14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOUR MODIFICATION. "Stop acting like
your father!"
15. My mother taught me about ENVY. "There are millions of less
fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like
you do."
16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. "Just wait until we get
home."
17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING. "You are going to get it when
you get home!"
18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. "If you don't stop crossing
your eyes, they'll freeze that way."
19. My mother taught me ESP. "Put your sweater on; don't you think I
know when you are cold?"
20. My mother taught me HUMOUR. "When that lawn mower cuts off your
toes, don't come running to me."
21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. "If you don't eat your
vegetables, you'll never grow up."
22. My mother taught me GENETICS. "You're just like your father."
23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS. "Shut that door behind you. Do
you think you were born in a barn?"
24. My mother taught me WISDOM. "When you get to be my age, you'll
understand."
25. And my favourite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE. "One day you'll
have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!!!! _________________ happy 50th birthday - motown records
Posted: Fri May 02, 2008 7:17 am Post subject: WARNING - please pass this on!
Be careful if you shop at Asda Two really good looking hunks wash your windscreen and start to chat you up. They are both drop dead gorgeous and before you know it you are in the back seat having sex with one of them. But be careful because meanwhile the other one is nicking your purse.
I lost my purse four times last week! _________________ forget all the photography rules! experiment
Is it just me or is there something odd about this Ad appearing at the bottom of the page in the Google Ads, which, is in frightfully bad taste, may I say.
Easy clean chicken houses
Slide out dropping tray, wipe clean
surfaces, hygienic and fox-proof.
www.omlet.co.uk _________________
at least twice unless u like ur eggs really runny ;~]
Are you mad? Just include the ciggi afterwards, he can then go to sleep and she gets a peaceful breakfast. _________________ ALL PHOTOGRAPHS ARE COPYRIGHT
A woman was admitted to hospital after having phone sex.
Doctors removed 2 nokias, 3 motorolas and a samsung.
No siemen was found. _________________ ALL PHOTOGRAPHS ARE COPYRIGHT
Posted: Thu May 15, 2008 4:30 pm Post subject: Disorder in the American Courts
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.
_______________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
__________________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Now doctor isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-one-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: Uh, he's twenty-one.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Is this a trick question?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Uh.... I was getting laid!
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Are you shittin' me? Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Guess.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to rephrase that?
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
________________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!
________________________________________________
And the best for last:
ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law _________________ happy 50th birthday - motown records
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